


Muscle Memory

by SocialDisease609



Series: Muscle Memory [1]
Category: Captain Marvel (2019)
Genre: F/F, I usually don't do hurt/comfort, and this is more hurt than comfort, but hurt as in its sad lol, not hurt as in abuse or anything
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-11
Updated: 2019-03-11
Packaged: 2019-11-15 08:44:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18070166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SocialDisease609/pseuds/SocialDisease609
Summary: An overall recollection of Maria's relationship with Carol, starting from the first day of Cadet Training at the Academy, all the way til the day she showed up again as Vers.Carol always did certain things all the time for certain situations. Seeing Vers do these things only makes Maria feel her loss again.





	Muscle Memory

                The first time Maria noticed Carol was when she heard the other women say “Did you hear that Cadet Danvers doesn’t have anyone to invite to Graduation? Isn’t that sad?” It was the first night of training at the Air Force Academy in Colorado, and Maria’s head was throbbing from the extreme difference in altitude Colorado had over Louisiana. Many of the other female cadets in their dormitory were still to petrified to speak after the shock of being screamed at all morning by their drill instructors. Maria walked over with her canteen to the only water fountain of their dorm, and Cadet Danvers’s bed happened to be the closets one to it. She hadn’t slipped under her dustcover yet, but was laying on her bed, straight, ankles crossed, eyes staring at the cracks in the ceiling.  

                “Hey there,” Maria said, her thumb pressed on the fountain’s button as she kept her eyes steady on the flow of water, making sure it didn’t miss the mouth of her canteen. She sensed Danvers had sat up and was looking at her, so she continued speaking. “You hanging in there alright?”

                “Of course,” Danvers replied. Maria on instinct interpreted the young woman’s tone to be one of attitude, but through life experience, figured it was just how Danvers just might talk on a normal basis. Maria took a deep gulp from her canteen. Hopefully she would hydrate enough soon to get rid of this headache.

                “Maria Rambeau,” Maria extended her hand after she capped her canteen. Danvers gripped it with strength.

                “Carol Danvers.”

                “I hear you didn’t invite anyone to Graduation, is that true?” Maria hoped Danvers didn’t mind her getting straight to it.

                Danvers looked away for a brief second as if annoyed, her eyes laying upon the chattering cadets at the other side of the room. “Yeah, I don’t really get along with my parents, so, I did this for myself. I don’t need them at graduation. I will be proud of myself when I get my wings.”

                “I hear that,” Maria nodded with understanding. “Well, if you want though- because I hear cadets without a family to go out to town with on graduation day stay here in the dorms- you can join my family come graduation day. I’ll get you a celebratory beer.”

                Danvers smirked, “You know we graduate in our Blues, right? We can’t drink in uniform.”

                Maria sucked her teeth in. She had forgotten about that. “Well… I’ll buy you a soda then.”  Danvers laughed, and the sweet sound made something pleasant spread in Maria’s chest.

                From then on out, Danvers would seem to seek Maria out. No one was allowed to talk in the dining facility, but Danvers would sit next to her. Because Maria was taller than her, Danvers would be sent further back into the formation of their flight every time she tried to stand next to form up with her. Danvers even began to run with Maria during morning PT, both of them feeling like their chests were going to explode any second now from the pressure of the altitude and dry air, but they kept motivating each other, huffing struggling words of encouragement: _It’s only in your head, you can do this. I know it feels like you’re about to die, but it’s a lie, keep running! Just two more laps! We got this!_

                Danvers was becoming alienated from the other Cadets, and Maria couldn’t really figure out why. Yes, there were the typical males, who outnumbered their flight four to one, but she couldn’t understand why the other girls joined in on the ostracization. Danvers seemed to mind, but not to the point where she felt the need to please them, but the need to shut them up. Her face got harder, her brows furrowed more… Maria started giving her hugs before bed every night, with teasing encouragement to forget everyone else: _remember why you came here, Danvers. You came to give yourself your wings. You’re here for you, not anyone else._

                Danvers was awarded a marksmanship ribbon during training. The only female in their flight to get it. Maria was so proud, others were in disbelief. Others tried to get her to turn on Danvers, saying “Rambeau, you were only one shot away from getting marksmanship. Aren’t you mad? She probably stole it from you. I bet you the trainers switched targets out when they were evaluating them.”

                But Maria knew better. “Danvers earned it, she’s a damn good shot. I’m not upset at all, she deserves to have one more ribbon at graduation.”  

                The night before graduation, everyone spent hours with a ruler, lining up their name tags and ribbon racks, checking the spacing of their butter bars on their epaulets of the Service Coat, making sure the U.S. insignia pins were perfectly spaced. Everyone did theirs at their wall locker. Danvers and Maria did theirs by the sinks in the latrine. Maria found good energy in being alone with Danvers. So much for the flight’s attempt to make Danvers feel alone in the world, both women seemed to enjoy sharing the training experience with just each other.

                “Is everything good?” Danvers asked, stepping away from her sink to turn to face Maria. Danvers had gone to the position of attention for full effect, it was the best way to tell if everything was in order on a uniform after all. Maria looked Carol down from head to toe: her Second Lieutenant bars were free of fingerprints and perfectly straight, her U.S pins on each lapel were to inspection order, and her name tag and ribbon rack was placed at an acceptable height on each breast (that was the hardest part of this uniform, every woman was different, so measuring where the tags went required an altered placement per woman).

                “Everything looks good,” Maria answered, looking further down Danvers’s body. “Although I can’t believe you’re doing this in your PT shorts.”

                Danvers snorted and smirked. “We’re just fixing our service coats, why am I going to put the entire Blues uniform on when we go to bed in ten minutes?”

                When the graduation ceremony had finished and Maria had been rushed by her family, she quickly made her way to Danvers, who was still standing by her chair, grinning to herself, in her own world at her triumphant accomplishment- she had no blood family here as Maria well knew, and before Maria reached her hand out to tap Danvers’s shoulder, she made eye contact with Danvers, and deep in Danvers’s eyes, she saw something more than joy behind them. Maria’s heart fluttered and her hand hovered, not in hesitation, but in paralysis, enchanted.

                “I’m glad to finally meet you, Carol!” giggled Maria’s mother, who held a baby girl in her arms. “It’s nice to put a face to the name.”

“Nice to meet you too, Ma’am,” Danvers reached out and shook the woman’s hand. “Thank you for writing to me during training. It was very kind of you.”

“It was a pleasure!” Maria’s mother waived a hand of dismissal and smiled. “When Maria told me you had no one to write to you, you basically became my second daughter.”

Carol smiled and seemed bashful for a moment, but all that disappeared as Maria placed a hand on her shoulder. As if remembering something suddenly, Danvers’s eyes widened just a bit and she basically threw her body forward towards Maria, wrapping her arms around her in a hug. “Congratulations, Lieutenant Rambeau,” she whispered. They stayed embraced for about five seconds… PDA was not allowed in uniform, and only a brief celebratory hug on ceremonies was allowed.

                “Congratulations, Lieutenant Danvers,” Maria returned, and they broke apart.

                Their graduation dinner was in a small steakhouse in the outskirts between Colorado Springs and Monument. Maria was happy she and her family adopted Danvers, and loved how much Danvers was engaged with Monica, scribbling crazy shapes on the kid’s meal menu paper with crayons, making her child laugh and squeal at the officer’s enthusiasm at a horribly drawn cat. She hoped Danvers got to stay in her life after this.

                When they went operational, they were thrilled to have been assigned the same duty station, and by default of being brand new officers, were assigned to the dormitories. Every morning, Danvers would run and bang on Maria’s door- very reminiscent of military training, being waken up by drill instructors punching their way through the door. It didn’t bother Maria much, it’s not like Danvers did it at an unreasonable time. But this Danvers was almost a new Danvers. Danvers at the Academy was mostly focused on surviving training, with a few peaks of the humored soul underneath, but this Danvers was fully alive. She didn’t love the old memory of her wingman less, she just loved Danvers more, realizing she was given a privilege of seeing more dimensions of this amazing woman.

                They began doing everything together again, just like training. They become solidified wingmen, watching each other’s six in dog fight simulations, in training that tested their limits, training that took them into different aircrafts, higher and higher, so close to the sound barrier, the pressure of the altitude making them feel they would die together. But soon Maria qualified to live off base, and got a housing allowance to live with her mother and Monica. They both felt a pang of separation anxiety, so they healed the pain by seeing each other more after work. Danvers would come over almost every day, bringing something to contribute to dinner, or on the weekends, they would go to Pancho’s and do karaoke, and Danvers would simply just kill it on 80s and recent power ballads and hard rock.

                And then one day they stopped being Rambeau and Danvers with each other, and became Maria and Carol. This only furthered their connection and already unbreakable bond. And one night, after singing, Maria stepped out for some fresh air. Carol, naturally sought her out the second she instinctively felt her absence.

                “You alright?” Carol asked, stepping down the wooden steps on the Pancho’s porch. She looked at the bright stars in the sky, admiring the crescent moon that just revealed itself from a passing cloud.

                “Yeah, I’m okay,” Maria smiled at Carol as the blonde stood next to her, hands stuck in her jean pockets. Maria loved when Carol looked like this, a little wild and completely free, her hair frizzing just a bit at her excretion of karaoke and dance. It might have been warm outside, but since Carol had come out in just a muscle tee and left her jacket inside, she would be shivering here in a few minutes. “It’s too cold for you to be outside with your arms bare.”

                “I’m running hot right now,” Carol shrugged.

                “Well I run hot all the time,” Maria said. She took off her own jacket and didn’t have to say anything for Carol to know to turn around and hold her arms out so Maria could clothe her with it.

                “Stop being so sweet,” Carol teased, her beautiful smile beaming and her eyes practically closing tight in glee.

                “Can’t help it,” Maria grinned. And then there was something in the air that made them both swallow, made Maria look away, but made Carol step forward. They had felt these moments before, but never did anything about them, but Maria would sometimes imagine the possibilities that could come from them.                

                “Maria?” She heard Carol ask. Carol placed her hands on Maria’s arms, and Maria found her looking up at her when she turned her attention back.

                “Yes?” Maria asked in a whisper. Carol looked dreamily on Maria’s lips, and her hands gripped Maria’s arms just a little firmer for a quick flex. Maria could hear a car pass on the lonely highway in the distance, the ruckus of the bar muffled, but the volume seemed to turn down quickly because Carol was leaning up now, her hands sliding up slightly.

                “Is this okay? Should I stop?” Carol asked, her hands stopping softly.

                Maria’s body and mind were screaming. She had spent some time fighting an internal struggle with herself, between what her feelings for Carol actually were. But now that _this_ was happening, _this_ is what she knew she wanted.

                “Yes,” Maria said, and slid her arms around Carol’s waist and pulled her closer, their bodies flushed together, and Carol didn’t hesitate anymore, and finally initiated their kiss. Maria wanted it to be sweet, she wanted it to be something that stayed warm and memorable. It was memorable, but not for the reason they both wanted.

                Another fellow officer was with them doing karaoke that night, and must have wanted some air too. “What the fuck?” He shouted, frozen on the steps of the bar. Carol and Maria immediately jerked apart. He wasn’t the best coworker to begin with, always being more competitive than was healthy, and after this encounter, he had threatened them with exposing them, throwing things around like Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. For a moment he had them there, they avoided everything but professional contact at work, and Carol stopped coming over for dinner. But that was only for about three days. Carol came back to Maria’s home one night, with a gentle knock.

                “Carol?” Maria asked, surprised to see her at her door.

                “Is Monica asleep?” Carol asked.

                “Yes, of course, it’s 10 at night,” Maria said.

                “Can I come in?”

                Maria swallowed, remembering what happened last weekend and what they risked. What Carol was probably about to ask her to risk again. “Sure,” her voice croaked, and Carol passed the threshold.

                All her fear disappeared when Carol kissed her again. She could care less about what other people thought, about what that other officer was going to report, she didn’t care anymore. Carol brought to her a sense of happiness and love she had never felt before, and something deep within her told her not to let her go. To pick her over the world.

                They went up to Maria’s room and the whole time that Carol was beneath Maria, Maria could not believe this was happening, that she had found a partner like Carol. A woman so beautiful and strong, and overall incredible. They kept quiet for the most part, but Maria found admiration in how Carol was not one to shy away from expressing herself in what she wanted and how she felt. Carol helped move Maria’s hand between her legs, showing Maria how, where, and how frequently to apply more pressure. When they had both been fulfilled, they cuddled up in the comforter, Carol lying on Maria’s chest, a leg over Maria’s pelvis so Carol could still keep herself pressed against her lover’s upper thigh. That night, and every night they spent, Carol smiled into Maria’s neck and said “Don’t let me go, okay?”

                Then years had gone by, surpassing their promotion to First Lieutenant and then to the coveted rank of Captain for them both. Together, forever, each and every day. And then Carol left for _that mission_ , and never came back home.

                They let Maria take three weeks of leave as long as she checked in with the behavior health specialists every two days. She was ordered to forget Carol. Remove her pictures and belongings from her home, and she broke down and cried, clutching Carol’s flight jacket against her chest. She wailed shamelessly, her sobs echoing through all the rooms. If it wasn’t for Monica, all of Carol’s belongings would have never been gathered. Maria would have kept revisiting them every day.

                And now she was here. The ghost of Carol, standing in her living room. And this person, _Vers_ , who possessed Carol’s body was struggling. Her eyes were brimming with tears. This Vers wanted to connect, she could tell. She had guilt, she felt responsibility. Carol stepped forward, and something in her heart beat like the night Carol stepped forward for their first kiss.

                “I feel,” Vers said. She reached up to wipe the tears building in her eyes. “I feel what I can only assume is what… Carol felt.”

                “And what’s that?”

                “Remorse… I think. I want to… I want to just hold your hand. I…” Vers’s voice cracked and she swallowed. “I want to comfort you until I know you’re better.”

                “Well that’s going to take a hell of a long time,” Maria frowned. She had dreamed of Carol coming home, like an old ancient war stories of soldiers coming back a year later after the battles, having traveled back home on foot after a long time healing, but not with a sci-fi soap opera twist of aliens and amnesia.

                “I feel so driven…” Vers said softly. “I look at your hand and all I want to do is hold it. I see your lips and, all I want to do is kiss them, and your arms, I want to be wrapped in them… but it’s… it’s not me…”

                “It is you,” Maria said. Now, she wanted to be blunt, she wanted to harness the pain she felt for six years and project it onto Caro- Vers… but she knew it was wrong. “I know that you believe you are Vers. I understand that it has become your identity, especially if you don’t remember your first life. But I just want you to know that _they_ made Vers. You were not born Vers. You have only been Vers for 6 years. You are Carol Danvers, given a new name because they didn’t know yours. They knew you were military from when they found you, so they worked off of your previous identity and meshed it into their identity for you because they knew it would work better. You’ve always been Carol, and it’s okay to be Carol now, even without remembering who that was before Vers.”  

                And then Vers stepped forward again.

                “I can do that… I can accept that…” she whispered. “I’m sorry, Maria, for what it’s worth.” She took Maria’s hand.

                _Don’t_ , Maria’s voice wanted to croak. Instead, she looked away and a tear slipped down her cheek.

                “I can tell what we were to each other. I don’t need fully restored memories to infer that we were lovers…” Vers said, caressing Maria’s hand with her thumb. “I’m sorry I left you. I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough to keep my memories or to remember you sooner, especially to find a way to contact you. I really am. And, and I don’t know what will happen to me after _all this_ gets fixed. If I survive at all, if they take me away-”

                “Stop, stop right there,” Maria said. “I may be a bit resistant after not seeing you for six years, but that doesn’t mean that I’m willing to lose you again. … You still have a home here, at the end of the day.”

                “Keep calling me Carol,” Vers requested. “Please help me be who I was before.”

                “Baby,” Maria frowned, but couldn’t help herself in pulling the long-lost lover into her arms. Carol hesitantly reciprocated. “I wouldn’t want to call you by any other name. But life isn’t about being your old self until the end of your days. Its about accepting who you used to be, who you currently are, and who you evolve into as each day passes. Carol, I love you.” And Maria froze after she said it, she shouldn’t have said it at all.

                Carol moved, turning her face to hide against Maria’s chest, her arms squeezing tighter around Maria’s back. “I can’t say it back yet…” she whimpered so quietly, Maria wasn’t sure if she truly heart it.

                “That’s okay,” Maria muttered back, resting her chin on top of Carol’s head. “I understand.”

                “But… Maria?”

                “Yes?” The words that came out of Carol broke Maria’s heart all over again, sending her through the pain of the past six years just one more time.

                “… don’t let me go, okay?”

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I had to write about these two. They have been on my mind since I saw the film on Friday. I wanted this fic to be something emotional, so I hope I accomplished that. 
> 
> And I just loved that scene of them alone together in the living room. It was definitely a painful reunion as lovers, and no one can tell me otherwise. Even Vers felt that this was something more, and it hurt her to know that this person held a powerful place in her heart once, but can't even summon all their memories or feelings, and it brought her to tears.


End file.
